Scenes of the Crime: HMV USA, 1510 Chestnut St.
Sound of Market Street, 15 South 11th St.
Philadelphia, PA

Date: August 25, 1998

It must have been that VH1 Beach Boys special that started this whole thing for me. Darn VH1, always the root of my problems. Anyway, after seeing that special about 9 times in 4 days, I finally decided to go out and buy myself a Beach Boys "Greatest Hits" CD or something (I already had "Pet Sounds," but wanted a CD with all the early, fun songs like "I Get Around" and "Surfin' USA" on it). So one day after work, I decide to go to the HMV Record store downtown to try and find what I was looking for. Now if you don't know anything about HMV, it's a huge chain store, kind of in the Tower Records mold. Normally, I would eschew the big chains and go over to some smaller indie shop, but for some reason or another, I've felt the need to do most of my music purchasing there lately. Okay, I lied... I know what the reason is, and it's the HMV "Dream Girl."

It must have been about a year ago when I first spotted her. I was just walking down the aisle looking for a Bettie Serveert CD, when I saw her kneeling down and restocking the latest release from Beck. I have to admit, I was blown away on the spot. Oh, HMV Dream Girl, you looked oh-so-fly that day in your black HMV blazer with the pink lettering. Now she wasn't "hot" in the conventional sense. I mean, if most guys saw her, they'd probably just think she looked like any other average, everyday girl, but to me she was just spectacular! A very simple, pretty look, with big huge eyes and really nice blonde hair. Standing right next to her, all of a sudden I felt the need to say something to her... I didn't know what, but I knew I needed to say something.

So I gathered up all my courage, cleared my throat, opened my mouth, only to hear myself speak these words, "Uh....do you know where the bathroom is ?"

Okay, not all that original, but still, a start. Even though the conversation didn't progress much further than that, that day marked the beginning of this little ritual I had of trying to say something to the Dream Girl every time I went in HMV from then on. It didn't really matter what it was, just some kind of stupid question and me getting to say something to her... I figured if I did this about 10 or 15 times, that eventually I would finally have enough guts to ask her out or something. So over the course of the next year, the 6 or 7 times I ventured into that store, such inane questions came out of my mouth as "Uh....do you guys have that new Juliana Hatfield CD ?" and "Uh....do you know where I can buy Lilith Fair tickets ?" I never meant for "Uh" to be the first word out of my mouth, but for some reason it always was.

Anyway, on this day I went over to try and find my Beach Boys CD, but, unfortunately, they didn't have one that had all the songs I wanted on it. And to add to that disappointment, the HMV Dream Girl was nowhere to be found! I was pretty upset there for a second, but then I turned around and saw something that cheered me up on the spot!

It turns out that they had a little listening booth for my favorite singer/songwriter/guitarist Liz Phair and her brand new album, whitechocolatespaceegg ! Now while that didn't really surprise me, what did catch my eye was that as part of the display, they had a small promo poster of the album cover up on the wall. Hmmmmmm, now this is something that I would really like to have for my room, but I know that big chains like HMV don't normally like to give out posters to people who ask for them. I quickly contemplated my options. I looked around and no one was really standing next to me. I thought some more...this was a huge chain, would they really miss one measly little poster ? After all, they would probably just throw it out in a few weeks anyway, right? As all of these thoughts swirled around my head, I began fidgeting around with the corners of the poster a little bit to try and see if they would come loose, and what do you know, they did ! If I had wanted this poster, I would be able to pry it off the display.

Just then though, something else crossed my mind...the moral dilemma in front of me. I mean, my parents had raised me up with a solid value system; they sent me to 8 years at Cedar Grove Christian Academy and made me read my Bible every night. It's right there in the ten commandments:"THOU SHALT NOT STEAL !" I quickly cased the joint, two burly security guards at the door...hmmmm, that might be a problem. But I think I finally came to my senses when I looked up and realized that the place was probably just crawling with video cameras set up for the sole purpose of catching would be promo poster thieves like me in the act. At that point I realized that a poster, even one featuring Liz Phair, probably wasn't worth being carted off in handcuffs for.

No CD and no poster. I was pretty disappointed and was about to head out the door when I saw her. The Dream Girl was over at the counter, and I suddenly got an idea of how I could kill two birds with one stone and try to get the poster while also keeping my streak alive of saying something stupid to her!

So I went over to the counter and the conversation went something like this....

Me: Hey, do you guys by any chance give out or sell the posters you have displayed here ?

[Look ! No "Uh" ! Definitely a good start...]

HMV Dream Girl: Oh, I'm sorry...we're not really allowed to do that...

[Okay, strike one, but I expected her to say that. I decided to try and turn on the charm ! So I gave her my puppy dog eyes and said...]

Me: Oh...really, I never knew that. It's just that I'm, like, desperate to get my hands on one of those Liz Phair posters over there.

HMVDG: Hmmmmmmm.

[I could tell I had her thinking now...definitely a step in the right direction ! I decided not to waste any time; I jumped right back in and said...]

Me: You know what I think... I think you should just go back there and SWIPE it for me !

[She started laughing a little.]

HMVDG: Oh really ?

Me: Yeah, just go back, smuggle it out, and hand it to me... but you'll have to keep it on the DL !

[More laughter from the Dream Girl]

HMVDG: But what if I get fired ?

Me: Well, that's just the price you're gonna have to pay then !

[Now she was really cracking up ! I was feeling awesome and confident; I really thought that I had the poster and Dream Girl ! Uh, that is, until she said...]

HMVDG: Well, if you really want it, then I can go ask my boss for you.

What the hell was this ? I didn't want another person to get involved here ! I wanted this to just be between me and Dream Girl: if anyone else got involved it would only complicate things for me. Sigh. At this point, I realized it wasn't gonna happen. So I told her "Aw, that's okay...you don't have to...don't worry about it." Then I walked away and said "Thank you sooooo much anyway," and as I was leaving she said, "I'm really sorry," but even that didn't make me feel better. I had left empty handed: no Beach Boys, no Liz poster and no Dream Girl! This was turning out to be a really sucky day.

I wasn't ready to give up on the CD just yet, though, so I ended up going to another store, a smaller independent one. The thing about this place is that the rock section is on the third floor (it's in an old building). I was climbing the flights of steps and noticed that the hallway at the top of the third floor had all these posters and stickers on it. I looked up and what did I espy but three Liz Phair posters, the same ones as at HMV ! Just the three of them up there on the wall ! My kleptomaniacal thoughts returned to me: since I was in the hallway, there was no one around to see me swipe it ! I noticed they were kind of high, though... I tried to reach one, but couldn't. I realized that I'd actually have to jump up and try to pull it off the wall if wanted to get it! First I thought I should actually go in and get the Beach Boys CD first, and then attempt to grab the poster. Y'know, so, like, if I got caught and arrested or something, at least I'd still have the CD in my school bag already. So I went into the rock section and bought it, and then went back in hallway.

Just like at HMV, I started looking around everywhere very suspiciously, but no one else was around, so I thought I'd take a shot. It had a push pin at each corner, and I was able to grab the first two just standing there, but for the top two push pins I would actually have to jump to get them. I jumped and pulled out the first one, but there was a huge THUD when I landed ! I looked around again to make sure no one heard it. Anyway, one more pin to go, and then the poster would be mine. I tried, like, three times to grab that last one, but I just couldn't get it! Right then though, I heard footsteps coming up the stairs... YIKES! I knew what I had to do. I reached deep within myself and jumped one last time and grabbed the last pin and the poster both at once JUST in time, right before the two guys came up the steps! When they passed me, I gave them "the nod," and I doubt they suspected anything fishy. I kinda hid the poster in the middle of the newspaper I had in my hands, and then casually made my way downstairs and out the door... the perfect crime pulled off beautifully!

I'm sure I'll have a guilty conscience about this on Sunday while I'm sitting in church or something, but for right now, I could care less. I found the perfect spot for it on my wall right between my R.E.M. and Helium posters, and I couldn't be happier... and it's even better staring at it and listening to 'Kokomo' at the same time.