Celebrate 12th birthday. Want to ask for bras, but instead ask for money. Receive pajamas.

Eye Tiger Beat and Bop at the drugstore. Purchase them, but be very embarassed to admit to your mother you bought a magazine with Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Hanson on the cover. Retreat to bedroom and devour teeny bopper magazines whole. Attach tear-outs to bedroom walls with scotch tape. (Reapply tape as needed.)

Discover 'Teen magazine. Feel self-esteem weaken. Vow to get a boyfriend (JTT, if possible) and lose ten pounds.

Shoplift makeup from drugstore; pay special attention to blues and pinks and greens not found in nature. Practice application technique in bathroom--be sure door is securely closed and locked. Scrunch shoulders together to imitate cleavage.

Loiter.

Perfect sigh-mutter-scream-sulk sequence; punctuate with door slams. Say snotty things beneath your breath when asked to do something.

Start reading "Seventeen." Use phrases like "girl power" and wear flare jeans. Look terrible in them.

Tell people you're 13.

Develop crush on boy, as per teen fashion mags' instructions. Call his house and hang up. Spend afternoon walking past his house over and over again. Bring a friend. Giggle.

Whisper and squeal.

See "Titanic." 800 times. Cry. Wish you had a boyfriend, even one who was going to freeze to death.

Hint to mother about bras. She'll take the hint and drive you to the mall. Cringe in embarassment as your mother announces to the entire lingerie department that she thinks the A-cup you picked out is a little too big for you. End up with padded training bra. Lock yourself in the bathroom again, and stick cotton balls in it. Admire new, lumpy bust.

Obsess about getting period. It will not arrive until you are 13. Feel like a child. Lie and tell your friends you got it. Be ashamed of the charade.

Go to first dance at school. Spend evening in bathroom with girlfriends reapplying shoplifted lipgloss. Avoid object of crush (see above) like the plague.

Attend sex-ed. Try to figure out why sex-ed videos have so many scenes of people playing basketball. Pass notes.

Contemplate developing an eating disorder.

Shave legs for first time. Bleed profusely. Surprise mother.

Develop new crush. Disavow previous crush. Allow new crush to snap bra straps, but remember to fight back at least a little.

Feel terribly adult.

Turn 13. Pretend none of this ever happened.